If Life Cheats You by Love, Please Cheat It Back (Part 2)

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Part 2: Love Blessed by Self-Discovery

Sexual love of this kind is widely known by all but understood by few. I cannot even figure what it means. The more I seek to know, the more fucked up I got. Some pain-induced folks would say love is a waste of time as it gives you nothing but pain and sorrow. Some all-life-is-beautiful folks assert that love is the juiciest and the most inspiring fruit one ever tastes.

For my view, I used to view that “love symbolically makes me clean”—so clean that I cannot resist my temptation in choosing a woman to share my future, to heal my painful past with nothing but her smiles and touches. I do not need her money to pay a cleaner. What I need from her is her healing hands and a chance to be next to her. This all what love has meant to me. But now, I rethink that this definition is totally flawed and shit for various reasons which I reserve to talk about in later times. Love is just fraudulent when two people do not agree on its stages of revolution towards the best.

I was wrong to think that as a man with dirty haunting past, like me, cannot even confess a woman on whom he crushed because no clean woman was willing to touch my dirty past and haunting sorrow. I mistakenly thought that only a woman who came to my life and said to me “no matter where you are, I will never let me go” must be the only woman I choose. That’s completely insane. I was totally wrong to see love this way. It was completely a pathetic fallacy to limit the meaning of love. To women I knew, love is all-time sweet, short-termed drive, and un-revolutionary—love must not be changed. If a man behaves strangely or sometimes badly, he must change and stop loving her.

In fact, love is not changed. Love is just revolutionized as it is moving from one basic step to higher steps of being forever. We just sometimes fail to realize such the revolution, leading to a painful breakup. My own stories could tell in details. In person, I am not the one who likes to show off my own stories to the public. Just today, I felt so hurt and hopeless after my relationship was dumped just for a simple temporary problem that we, my beloved woman and I, misunderstood via a stupid long distance. Then, I am encouraged to share you readers some stories of my love I have been through. Just bear in mind that it is not the matter of what I think. It is the matter of what you think after reading my stories. You have your own answer without objectively agreeing with me.

The page of love in my life book was written in my freshmen year at the Institute of Foreign Languages. Like a crystal clear, I remember the time that a country pumpkin-head, who looked like me, entered IFL. I was riding behind my brother’s back on a motorbike, randomly searching for the school as recommended by my high school teacher. I fucking knew nothing about it until my brother and I bumped into an entrance reading the Institute of Foreign Languages—the logo knocked me by surprise with the misspelled Foreign. How was I supposed to enroll in a language school whose logo had a misspell problem? Maybe, it was a sin to judge a book by its cover in the same way of judging a school by its logo.

We decided to enter and randomly asked people where the administration office was. For me, it was a search of nothing, absolute nothing, as I did not even know what the fuck I was supposed to do with it. I was shaking to see and meet people who looked very bright, wearing high-heals and sneakers, which was complete different from what I was from. Fucking shaking and doomed as a loser. None of my brothers had been to university while I was hopeless and clueless to see what I was going to do. Swearing to god, I was a complete chicken and dummy since my first time at IFL until days later I somehow adjusted to the environment—actually people were good. I was just felt into a negative self-imposed prophecy which forced to me to shake.

I knew that time my life was cheating me. It cheated me to shake and to mis-perceive that I was a loser and a country pumpkin head. But I cheated it back by trying to stand against my fear and loser-mentality. I cheated my life back after the IFL entrance exam. I was not much aware of the value of the exam until I saw a flock of candidates getting stuck in the parking lot on that day. What’s more, days afterwards, I saw the selection sheet reading “Veng Seang Hai, from Kampong Thom province”, which made me speechless as I had proofed the failure of cheat committed by my life—I am more than who I am destined to be. I am the winner over the fraudulent life the fucking God has made. I am my own God because it much depends on me who had read and done same TOEFL textbooks beforehand, and on my high-school teacher.

Crazy enough, my life cheated me again when it came down to my first feeling about love. She was the brain of the class. She had the most innocent face and smile, I’d ever seen, which made criminals hardly to commit a sin. Sometimes she looked crazy, childish, cartoon-cartoon, but sometimes she appeared firmly reliable and strong in the body shape of my mother—tall and persistent. Though I did not talk much with her, there was some sorts of chemistry to lead me know who she was, beyond what words could tell. Mainly, she is a family-oriented woman whose Facebook profile I tracked held her family photos—anyway, I like his little brother too, sort of mocking face.

Over years as her classmate, I realized she was someone extraordinary to me though I was not quite sure who that someone actually was. There was an un-explainable and invisible power I, as a young freshman, had for her. As a social scientist, I like to give empirical evidence as seen in the following.

I crystal-clear remember Koh Pech tragedy in 2011 happening in my later freshman and early sophomore. I was not in the situation as I already headed to my hometown. Hearing news all around, I was uneasy even though none of family were in the stampeded. But there was someone who took all of my care and concern back then. Once I returned to Phnom Penh in wait to resume the class after the tragic holiday, something happened between me and her.

With courage coming out of the blue, I took out the contact list my class monitor made for intra-class communication. I scrolled down right at her number which had the same final two digits as mine, and texted her right away. I was good at being indirect. My attempt was to ask about her safety, but something in the text began with, “Err… how are the other friends, do you think? I wish they were all safe. Glad you are okay…” something like that.

Stupid enough, at some nights, I called her with no actual business to talk about. It was about 7 or 8 in the evening after dinner when I pulled out my old sick phone. I called her a couple times but she did not pick up. Then, my stupid self-imposed prophecy aroused and tricked me that she must have been annoyed by my calls—she must have been shocked to see a stupid loser who liked to sit in the back calling her in the evening, a time supposed for couple talk. But it was just an evil part of human beings to think so. She picked up my calls, eventually. But the conversation lasted less than one minute, I think. I had nothing to talk, so did she. Fucking weird enough, I heard a noise at her background—it sounded like someone was doing something with pestle and mortar. Even the sound became my topic to prolong my talk with her. It was her aunt making chili salt for green mango appetizer.

It may need five or ten pages alone to describe my memories about me having a feeling for her. Just a couple more happened when I realized she had a job interview in a city outskirt. That was out fourth year at IFL that everyone was concerned about job experience. Only a couple of classmates and I managed to have some advanced experience. I was not sure whether it was my general code of conduct or a particular feeling for her. When she told me she got a job interview appointment in the outskirt, I was sort of worried as I had been and seen the traffic and the environments there were somehow dangerous. Also, I knew how it felt to have the first job interview as a new chicken coming out of the school. With no conditions—even though I had to do some housework in the morning, I promised to accompany to the interview place. It was far but I felt sort of melted as seeing her do good, and finally she got a job and gave me an unexpected gift of a stripped blue shirt. It would be a surprise that she knew I liked blue and stripped shirt. For the size, it was quite easy as my body could tell—only the largest size fits me.

The biggest false I made was my loser mentality which prevented me to go to her and say, “Hey… I love you…blah blah blah…” Because of what? Because life cheated me. Because my life tricked me to fixed mindset about dirty and haunting past. I was feared of shame after telling my crushed classmate, and she would have run away from me like you see a smelly trash bin. I sucked my own mindset. Actually, I just failed to see who I would be now. I failed to see I could do Master Degree. I failed to see my own potential. If I could have seen that I would make it to M.A. and maybe Ph.D soon, I would run to her and say, “Hey,… well, I see my own future. I will be not be a loser. I will make it to M.A. and Ph.D. We will not worry about our future. I am sure to have you with me and our joyful family… blah blah blah.”

Back then I failed to do so. I underestimated my own strength. What’s worse I just realized I had a wrong idea about love. Love does not means that someone comes to my life and say, “I will be right next to you and make you happy.” I proofed it twice, and it fucking failed. The sentence is just fraudulent. Today, I knew pretty sure that no one can stay and symbolically clean you as long as she understands a true meaning of love I have.

I could not deny that I had been keeping my crush feeling for my classmate. It ended since I decided to make a relationship with one of my high school juniors. On 25th December 2011, she visited me at IFL, and we started to spend more time together. Actually, we knew each other well, and she knew me and my stories very well as one could see in the dark. She told me on the phone that she loved me, while I was stunned a bit, thinking about possibility. I was thinking that she could manage to accept me and my bad things. She must have been the one I choose as we were from the same neighborhood, and same socioeconomic background. But my crush was too high, too rich to reach. The gap of impossibility between me and my crush was too large to accept. While the gap between me and my high-school junior was smaller. My loser mentality encouraged me to choose to be my high school junior for 3 years until a stupid thing happened.

I could not agree more long distance relationship did not work. She was studying in a different province while I was in Phnom Penh, yet our love grew larger and larger. Just a bunch of problems happened at the same time, and our love cracked down with sorrow but sympathy. Her parents wanted her to marry an older man, having stable future than I did. Also, I was thinking to pursuit my Master as I realized that having only B.A. degree was not good enough to build a secure future of us. It was complicating in a countryside where arranged marriage was common especially amongst the oldest daughters like my high school junior.

I hated to end up with persisting love as we both knew that no one was wrong. We said good bye with a simple sentence, “Just keep in mind… I did not regret to choose you. Hope to be your partner in a next life.” It sounded like a sad quote from love drama, didn’t it? But it was fucking real, and it was subconsciously coming from our heart. I would prefer a relationship to end up with cheat or affair, because it was more rational to forget. What if it ends up just because our lives have cheated on us, it is fucking bad.

Since then, I had not hurt as much as I had a couple days ago, when my new relationship was broken just because of unexpected problems—the problems that exist in most long-distance relationships. It was a very controversial relationship but I never thought it would have ended before I grew old with her. At first, I could not deny that I did not start with 100. I had to observe her to make sure she could be the one I choose. Or in other words, she could manage to accept my dirty past and make me feel loved and clean. But you know, it is still fraudulent as my life still cheated on me—not her but my life.

My life calls me to go abroad for two years for a better future. I was not quite sure she could manage to hold it but it looked like she could. We’ve been through difficult times, and my love for grew stronger and stronger with a certainty that our future will merge together. She’s got all my trust and love, concern, and care. Even though I did some rough times before I decide to choose her, she still stayed there for me. I had full expectation that she is the last one I deserve.

I had too much “comfortable and confident” mindset that she was the one, so sometimes I just forgot how to behave in front of her. It is like when you are first on the date dinner, you dare not to fart because you see each other as only a date or boyfriend and girlfriend. Yet, it does not all mean that when you become a husband and wife, you did not fart on the dinner. Only when we are too comfortable with our relationships, we just forget some manners which are aimed to make us feel sweet or loved. But it does not mean that one stops loving the other. It is all fixable problem just a matter of time.

There are several fixable problems between us. First, it was just a temporary long distance as I will go home sooner or later in next few months. We could feel loved again when we meet face to face. It is not necessary to judge me as a bad person who stops loving her just when we were going through rough time. When we were fighting with rough time, we did need each other. She needed me in the same way I needed her. I could not find any mistakes I did when I was her real-life man who could touch her hand and take her to movies. I do love her. Yes, of course, love needs physical closeness, but we should have known that I am staying in Thailand forever. Every time I visited Phnom Penh; only two people I wanted to see—her and my best friend.

Second, it makes me the worse time of life when she judged me as a fucking idiot who stops caring about her and making her hurt. Through our rough time, I was sorry that I could not see your problems as I was also in a terrible state of mind here. Sometimes, it was hard for me to express my hurt or stress or any personal problem happening to my family. I always love you as a wife not a girlfriend or first date. I am sorry to be so much confident in our relationship that I forgot some manners of mine affect your emotions.

Two things I want to say to you. First: love is not a confirmation bias in which when you think something is wrong, it is always wrong. Sometimes, what you think is a problem is not an actual problem. Without seeing, hearing, touching, and smelling, we cannot understand the problem behind. Second: love is revolutionized. Love is not changed but it actually moves from a basis level to another level for longer happiness. I just forgot some manners—like sweet or caring words. I may use some bad and hurting sentence, but it does not mean I stop caring or loving you. It was just my bad time, my terrible problem which is not related to our love. And because I am too confident in our relationship that we are “alright”. I was wrong to see you as my long-term wife. I should have seen you as a short-term date because all I must do is to watch out my manners to please you.

I am sorry to criticize you when you are wrong. Just sometimes I do not stay watched out my words because I am too confident about us. But it does not mean I am that bad all the times. The more you think about our good time and efforts I made for you, the hurt you are because you underestimate my love.

My love is revolutionary—not changed as you think. While I am too confident about our relationship, you are getting away from me. I made a simple rough time, but I do not deserve to be dumped. You should have reminded yourself what you wrote for me, “No matter where you are, I will let you go”. You think you are hurt just because I said something bad. You always have reasons without looking at what I am having behind. The worst thing is you do not even give me a chance to go back a real man. You make me choose you as a real person who could share my heart and future. But you judge me as in a bad time in our long distance relationship.

Finally, my life has cheated me with love. No worry, I will cheat it back by standing stronger than it ever imagines. “No matter where you are, I will never let you go,” is just fraudulent. I would have had a different idea about love. Even though I am emotionally weak, and have bad haunting memories about my life, I shall not trust my life. I should make it clear that I am more than what my cheating life designs for me. Folks, do not listen to your weakness, whoever you feel love, just say it. DO NOT TRUST the one who comes to you and make you think he or she can symbolically clean you. It is a fraud life gives to you. The loser you feel, the winner you have to be about love.